Learn how to heal childhood trauma and avoid passing it down to your children. Understand the true reasons behind becoming a parent to create healthy, loving relationships.

To begin healing and resolving childhood traumas, it is essential to ask yourself two key questions:

Why did my parents bring me into this world?
Why did I become a parent?

The Impact of Parental Motivations

If my parents had children to fulfill their own needs rather than out of a desire to raise a child who is a unique individual with their own personality and goals, the parent-child relationship could lead to future problems. This may affect the child’s ability to form healthy partnerships later in life or influence how they parent their own children.
It’s also important to understand the deeper, truest reason why we decided to become parents. If we’re honest with ourselves, we allow for personal growth in connecting deeply with our children. This creates an opportunity for us to raise children who are open to healthy, loving relationships and family life.

Common Reasons People Decide to Have Children

Some common reasons why people choose to have children include:

To complete or “crown” a relationship with a partner.
To create a sense of security in the relationship.
To prove love for a partner.
To keep a partner in the relationship.
To validate themselves as women (believing that having a child is an essential part of being a woman).
To check off another life achievement.
To continue their family’s genetic legacy.
To give their child everything they didn’t have in their own childhood.
To avoid loneliness.
To have someone to care for them in old age.
To follow the trend, because all their friends are having children.

The key point here is that our children have their own destiny, needs, and talents. Treating them as mere objects to fulfill our personal needs—whatever those may be—sets us up for making a huge mistake. When our children don’t meet the expectations we placed upon them, problems arise.

What Happens When Parents Have Us for Their Own Needs?

Let’s consider what would happen if our parents had us for their personal reasons, which we couldn’t fulfill. For example:

Our parents’ relationship wasn’t strengthened by our birth.
Our father didn’t see our birth as an expression of love, but instead felt the mother was focused more on us than on him.
We may have been born because our mother wanted to prove she could have a child, but never truly wanted to be a mother.
If our father wanted to have children to continue his family line but never truly cared about us as individuals.
If our parents had us because they wanted to provide what they lacked in their own childhoods, but we didn’t have the same needs or desires they imposed on us.

This list could go on, but the main takeaway is that if we haven’t met the original reasons why our parents had us, there’s a strong likelihood that we will feel rejected in some way. Sometimes this rejection is subtle, but it can also lead to an ongoing desire to seek out a new relationship where we won’t feel abandoned.

The Cycle of Rejection and Finding a Partner

When we feel rejected, the natural response is to seek out a partnership where we won’t experience that same sense of abandonment. If we heal the reasons for our parents having us and shift our own energy, we increase the likelihood of having a healthy, successful partnership.

On the other hand, if we haven’t healed those wounds, we might attract a partner who will reject us in some way—subconsciously mirroring the patterns we experienced as children.

Steps to Healing and Building Healthy Relationships

To break the cycle and build healthier relationships, here’s what you need to do:

Heal childhood traumas. Address the deep emotional wounds from your past.
Be open to relationships after healing old wounds. Don’t enter a partnership as an escape from rejection; instead, look for a true connection.
Build partnerships based on compatibility with the person, not just because you want to be in a relationship.
Have children with the awareness that they won’t fill the void in your life but are independent beings with their own preferences. Build a relationship with them based on love and acceptance, acknowledging their unique selves.

Conclusion

By healing your own childhood traumas, you create the space for deeper, more authentic connections—not only with your children but also with your partner. Understanding the true motivations behind becoming a parent can prevent unhealthy cycles and create a nurturing environment for your family.

How Can You Heal Childhood Trauma and Prevent Passing It Down to Your Children?